the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
