was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
