Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
