It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
