I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
