i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
