The maid of honor just puked.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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