Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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