Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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