Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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