News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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