I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
