alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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