you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
