I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
