I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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