he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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