Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
