my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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