Just fell off a train. Bad.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
