you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
our cab driver is having phone sex.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
