quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
