sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
