Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
