Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
When are your genitals available?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
