Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
