If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
