brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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