I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
