Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
The beer is more important than you right now.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
