I hope mine doesn't look like that
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
