Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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