the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
