I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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