dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
