So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
