i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
