:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
