in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
And then he peed in my hair
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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