so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
