What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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