I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize