Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize