Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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