It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
