I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
