Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
