i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize