He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
