I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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