dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
