Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
