I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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