I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You brought string cheese to the strip club
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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