I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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