Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
