I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
