I am spending my child support on dildos
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
