I'm so fucking centered right now
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
