I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You took a bar mat shot.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
