The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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