Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
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