hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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