Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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