i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i love accidental penises.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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