shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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