I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
